First I blamed it on the other friends we had. The ones you liked and I hated, the ones I couldn't stand but always seem to be hovering. Then I thought it was because of the guys we screwed, or kind of got serious with, or tried to date or pretended not to care about but secretly loved. Then it was Rome, and the experience of your life taking you away from me. And afterwards it came Istanbul, and my turn to try to make it out there without you. Never thought I could. I don't think up to this day I actually did.

Sometimes, when it wasn't any of this, one could say it was the money. Never enough to go out, to meet you somewhere, to travel half the country to see you.

The worst thing about it all is my own self-indulged blindness. More naive than religion or political ideology; I actually believed this conspicuous fabrication of my twisted mind.

It was never the money. And distance has no business intruding here. And I can't blame it on the guys we drove away while sabotaging our rare chances to be like normal people having normal relationships. The only thing coming in the way of you and me was no more than myself. I was the only true enemy to what we had. I alienated you, as my masterpiece; I tried it out on everyone else first, and saved the one I loved the most for last.

I find comfort - or quite the opposite - in knowing you're better off with me hiding away. You look fairly ordinary, you've got yourself a boyfriend, you're on your second Bachelor's degree already, you have your own house, a group of friends you're always with, and you're an amusing guest in all the cool kids' events. Congratulations, you made it to the other side. The one we always looked from afar and criticized harshly while living in our own self-made world. You look happier now though. Not a bit more authentic, but at least you've got yourself a constant smile. Isn't that just everything you dreamed of?